Color and Meaning- A Self-Evaluation

Initially, I was a bit apprehensive about taking the core course in gender studies when I hadn’t spent much time in other Gen/Sex courses reading theoretical material. My apprehension grew into panic when we were assigned Barad during the Prologue- I thought I was in big trouble. How could I apply the study of gender to such complex material if I felt like I hadn’t even mastered the basics yet? Thankfully, I quickly discovered that my lack of experience with theory made very little difference (at least from my perspective) in my engagement in the course. In fact, I think it made me engage with material like Barad in pretty unique ways as I drew upon insights from psychology and biology to process what I was reading. Then again, this course has illuminated the fact that we inevitably end up drawing upon our own knowledge base to answer questions to which we have no immediate answer, and because of this realization I’m confident that I can now convince anybody that any course they’ve taken in the BiCo is somewhat interdisciplinary either because of the nature of the course itself or the lens that they approached it through.

            So by Act I, the apprehension was gone, but it was replaced with two new feelings: fascination and frustration. I was fascinated by the ways in which the concepts of disability, gender, and sexuality intertwined and how many meaningful connections I could find between the two courses of study. I was also struck by how insightful my classmates’ comments were and how some connections between readings that totally came from left field (i.e. not things I’d necessarily think to connect to one another) resonated so much with me. I came to a personal realization, too, after reading about culture as disability but mostly through reading Eli Clare: I don’t have to accept something as a disability if I refuse to consider it disabling. That was empowering. But then came the frustration, and it was twofold. First, I had written my webpaper as, well, a paper, and here were people modifying pictures and making cool presentations and…well, I had my paper. Snooze. My second frustration was in the way I felt like I was disabling myself with the amount of pressure I felt to consistently be profound in what I was thinking, writing, and saying.

            As I complete this course, I can proudly say that both frustrations have dissipated and been replaced with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Yes, it would have been really cool to make alternative projects instead of write papers (shout out to all of my classmates’ AMAZING work this semester), and that idea made me reflect on just how structured and rigid my go-to assignment format has become (which is why I added a more creative component to my final web event). But the funny thing is that I like constructing arguments that flow from one paragraph of text to the next. It’s how I best convey my thoughts. And just because my papers were written in a conventional format didn’t mean that their content was conventional. And in terms of the pressure to be profound? Sometimes, things can (and should) be taken at face value, and personal experience and a healthy dose of confusion often infuse concepts with color and meaning. I know because I experienced both every Tuesday night this semester. And the more postings on Serendip I made, which I always put as much thought and consideration into as I could muster, the more I felt like the contributions I was making to academic discussion were entangled with my own opinions and feelings.

            So here I am: a naturally talkative person who learned to use her own voice without inhibition in both large and small groups, a voracious reader who found a new book to add to her collection of favorites (I LOVE Little Bee- I just convinced both of my parents to read it so I can continue discussion at home) and another she just can’t seem to wrap her head around (sorry, Karen Barad), a writer who learned to embrace her strengths, a newfound fan of Judith Butler, an activist who has made concrete commitments to issues she feels passionately about, and a student of gender and sexuality studies who still quite can’t grasp the extent to which this one area of study is entangled with literally everything I can think of. Thanks for a semester filled with learning, growth, and the formation of new friendships.